Deja Vu All Over Again....

Ok, if I weren't so dog-tired and staggering around in a stupor after not sleeping more than 10-15 minutes tops since yesterday afternoon (my flight last night was after midnight, and I only dozed a bit en route on my way from Lima to Santiago), I might be extremely upset and foaming at the mouth. Instead, my only instinct is to laugh; this is getting to be HILARIOUS to me....

I arrived at the airport in Lima (again, meticulously on time), and step up to the ticket counter marked clearly "Departure Check-In". A very pretty Peruvian princess with shiny, raven-black, slicked-back hair and bright, smiling, beautiful brown eyes greet me with, "Do you have your boarding pass with you?" Hmmm, thinking to myself back in the States, that always comes after this step in the process, I tell her, "Sorry, no I don't. Where do I get one?" She directed me towards a small, electronic, automated, self-serve kiosk and directed me to use that in order to obtain the all-important Golden Ticket. I have actually used one of these before, but only to enter very basic preliminary information- name, flight number, destination, etc. But never to get a boarding pass. So I thought confidently, "Hey, I can handle this."

First obstacle: 'ENTER YOUR I.D. NUMBER'- At no point EVER has anyone given me or shown me or indicated I had an ID number. Figuring it could be on my plane ticket, I search and search through the hundreds of numerical codes printed all over it , and nowhere is there any hint of something that smacks of ID. Ok, perhaps it wants my passaporta number- so I tried that. Of course, INVALID! Seeing a group of uniformed airport employees jaw-jacking and just basically hanging out, I decided to put them to work and asked them for help. Three of them attempt to come to my rescue, most graciously, and the trio of them tried everything under the sun to locate the (at this point) dreaded ID number, eventually giving up, apologizing and redirecting back to the Check-In Department. Why did I not see this coming? Has no one ever used this stupid machine before? Or is just a conspiracy against me personally? It often feels that way.

Back to the pretty chica I started with. I tell her, despite every valiant effort to comply, I have failed to get my boarding pass. She says casually, "That's OK. I can give it to you here. Can I see your ticket please?" (Feeling like it's a "reality TV" prank show at this point, and the camera crew would be appearing any minute with lots of laughing crew people and the host patting me on the back for being a good sport...but no.)

She studied my ticket with a now-wrinkled and puzzled forehead. Looking up at me almost suspiciously, she asked, "Have you used this ticket before here in Peru?" Reassuring her that yes, indeed, I had and twice as a matter of fact, she calls for her supervisor. They have a side-bar discussion that lasts at least 15 minutes, occasionally tapping in information frantically into their computer, looking more and more confused and baffled by the minute. Of course, my stress level is beginning to climb at the same pace. Another huddle, this time with The Big Boss. I finally step in to ask if there is a problem, and they smile casually and say, "Oh, no- everything is fine, sir." It was now at least 30-40 minutes into my check-in, they appear as if they've never seen a ticket like mine in their entire careers...and they say there's no problem. Why is that hard to believe?

In the process of waiting this interminable amount of time, and actually to help pass the time (plus I really did need to know), I inquire if my bag would go directly to Rio (my final destination for this flight) or would I have to pick it up in Santiago and recheck it to Rio. She indicated that it would be routed straight through to Rio. Good news, less room for error, right?

So when Big Boss Man finally solves the never-seen-before-but-widely-recognized-in-the-Northern-Hemisphere ticket problem, the original agent presents me with my boarding pass. As she attaches the baggage claim sticker to my luggage, I just happen to notice it has the 3-letter airport code stamped with the letters, "SCL". Expecting it say something more like "RDJ" or "RIO", I hypothesize that she has erroneously just doomed my bag to Santiago where I never would have picked it up after she guaranteed it would go to Rio. Taking a deep breath, I spoke and told her I was confused about the tag, and she sheepishly apologized, tore it off and printed out a tag for Rio de Janiero. See? I'm learning to watch for these little Latin American shenanigans!

The flight to Santiago was delayed 30 minutes, no biggie, "caca" happens in the airline business. I accept that.

When I arrived in Chile, the connection was surprisingly swift and effortless, which was wonderful since I only had 45 minutes to connect to my next plane. I boarded the flight to Rio, settled in, buckled up, stretched out, yawned and tried to make peace with my seatmate who must have thought he owned 15% of my territory...sound familiar? The cabin crew went through the perfunctory motions and rituals of instructing everyone how to fasten a seat belt (when will they drop this archaic practice, by the way??) and showed us where the exits were, etc. etc. and soothing elevator-like music starts to play. Feeling suddenly as if I'm melting into the first comfort I've felt in 12 hours, I closed my tired and droopy eyes and began to doze off. Within a few minutes, eyes still shut, I heard the captain speaking, all Espanol of course, and open my eyelids to see ALL the passengers on board standing and in the process of disembarking. Unbelievable. Hey, thanks for telling ME, everybody!

The flight is now officially, "Delayed"...just one small step short of the ultimate nightmare of "Cancelled" status.

I asked a couple of people if they could tell me what was going on, and they told me (surprise!) that there was a "technical difficulty" with the plane. Everyone was being sent back to the gate. Absolutely hilarious to me now. Can so many things go wrong so consistently?? Does virtually every single simple task have to be infused with such incredible, absurd obstacles that one has to be either a saint, a psychic, a genius or a warrior or a combination of all four to navigate through all the complications and comedy of errors?

The story is almost over. Being an expert at waiting and luckily having plenty of battery left in my trusty laptop, I hung out for an hour or so, bought some mineral water, a couple of Chilean t-shirts for souvenirs and checked out the news on CNN. Two hours go by, my radar and eyes constantly trained toward the gate crew and reader board for updated information.

With absolutely no warning over the PA system and me a good 50 yard away, I suddenly observed a stampede of frantic passengers racing toward the gate with a flight crew member standing on some kind of make-shift soapbox, already speaking to the crowd of at least 200. Of course, every word is in Spanish, there are continuous overhead announcements about flight arrivals, etc. blaring above us, walkie-talkies beeping from every direction, passengers hurling questions and complaints simultaneously and me standing there stunned, dazed, lost at the extreme perimeter of the mob and chuckling out loud realizing that I just understood 0% of the entire proclamation he was making, which I instinctively knew was very important information. I just wasn't given the courtesy of receiving it. Not helpful when you're 6,500 miles from home in a foreign country, exhausted, confused and don't speak the language.

Searching for a friendly face in the crowd, I finally discover that a new plane is coming to replace the vexed one, and we will indeed by flying out in a couple of hours. Resolution? Maybe for now. But there are no guarantees at present in South America, with one exception: the rug WILL get pulled out from beneath you at every bend in the road every day you visit here.

So for me, the only way to COPE is to see the comedy of it all, just shake my head, take a chill pill, laugh it off and enjoy the ride- which, believe it or not- I am! Now ask me tomorrow, and you might get a different answer....